Unfaithful
by Cookies and Ink
Summary: Sirius heard the bell ring, signalling that afternoon classes were starting, but he couldn't bring himself to move.


**Unfaithful**

Sirius heard the bell ring, signalling that afternoon classes were starting, but he couldn't bring himself to move. He wasn't sure what he would do if he did. The air around him was vibrating, or was he still shaking? Sirius couldn't be sure.

He wasn't sure of anything.

His world had just fallen apart, all thanks to a long strand of blonde hair.

He stared where it was clinging to his grey trousers, the colours a stark contrast. He wanted to wind it around his fingers and then yank hard so it snapped. He wanted to hurt something, someone.

He wanted to stop feeling.

A bitter laugh bubbled up and broke the silence in the room. The sound crashed against his ears and in the aftermath, a swell of disappointment threatened to pull Sirius under and drown him.

How had he expected anything less?

Sirius had grown up the first born son and heir; he had grown up wanting nothing because anything he could want was within his reach. There were toys, tutors: he had it all. Perhaps he'd been missing parental affection, not that he'd even heard of the term at the time, but he'd been taught that anything even linked to emotion wasn't to be craved or coveted. It was to be discarded.

Hogwarts had changed him and as Sirius sat, his eyes still fixed on that strand of blonde hair, his vision tunnelling, he hated himself for letting anything get through the cracks. But James had. His warm brown eyes and bright smile had seeped through Sirius's like smoke until years had passed and he found himself blanketed by a fog of happy emotions and false words like friendship, family—love.

"No," Sirius heard himself speak, his voice hoarse with emotions.

James didn't love him.

Sirius had been naive to even let himself think otherwise. He'd been so fucking nervous to let the tendrils of feelings that had been blooming in his chest to become something, but James had noticed and James had told him to acknowledge them. Even after Sirius had kissed him, even after Sirius had pushed James away straight after, James had just sighed softly, trembling fingers going to touch his lips, and told him he was proud that Sirius had acted on his emotions.

It had all been a lie. It must have been. Sirius had found a girl's hair on James's robes for the third time—on the inside— and last night James had smelled distinctly of perfume. James had also come back to the dorms after Remus and Peter were asleep. He had gone out alone.

Footsteps coming up the stairs to the dorm slowly filtered into Sirius's awareness and then the dorm door creaked open.

"Hey love, you okay?"

The spell that shot at James was mustard yellow. It slammed into him so his back was against the door, tendrils of the spell shooting out to twist all over the man's body until he was stuck, pinned and encased by a net that Sirius noted dimly, contrasted all too well against his dark brown skin and red quidditch top.

"Sirius, what the hell?"

James sounded surprised and confused. How quickly would that change to hurt? How quickly would he lie and manipulate the situation like he'd been manipulating Sirius? Would he pretend that Sirius was imagining things—call him crazy and overdramatic? Or would he tell Sirius that he'd been bored, that he was finished playing around?

James isn't like that. That's what you would do—make it their fault and not yours.

He quashed the quiet voice in his mind viciously.

When he got to his feet, he wanted to appear unaffected. Sirius had a feeling his normal Black mask felt flat, that James could see through the cracks he had made with soft kisses and shared laughter. Once again, Sirius was distantly disappointed in himself for letting himself go so far. How had he thought he could have this? Blacks didn't want for anything, how could he have let himself want this?

"Who is she?" he asked coldly.

"Sirius, look at me. What's going on?"

"Answer the question, Potter."

He saw how hard the name hit, saw James concerned expression flinch and twist into pain and offence.

"I don't know who you're talking about?"

"The stupid bint you're sleeping with. Or experimenting, whatever you're doing. Frankly, I don't care for details. I just want to know who you thought you'd go behind my back for. I mean really," Sirius continued, well aware there was a hint of hysteria to his voice despite how even he was trying to keep his tone, "If you've gotten bored you could have just told me. I always said that this relationship would never work out and everyone knows I like to be proved right about everything."

James made a soft noise, the slightest 'oh' and Sirius thought he might have silently cast a spell because the pain that lanced through him as realisation and guilt flickered on his boyfriend's face was indescribable.

"Sirius, I can explain. Can you let me down so we can talk?"

"If I raise my wand at you I swear to the Gods I'll kill you," Sirius snarled, unable to hold onto the unaffected facade for a second later.

"I haven't been with anyone. I love you. I was using Polyjuice Potion, I swear. Sirius, look at me. Look me in the eyes. I swear to you. Fucking use potions, Legilimency, I don't care. I love you and I'd never cheat on you."

Love.

They'd never said those words to each other and for James to let it rush out of his mouth as he babbled, trying to save whatever tattered relationship was left, made Sirius pause. He cancelled the spell with a thought and James took a stumbling step forward, away from the wall but still kept his distance from Sirius, even as a hand reached forward to touch him.

"I'm trying to save Regulus."

It was so unexpected that the words cut right through the maelstrom of emotions Sirius was trapped in.

"What does he have to do with any of this?"

"You told me you were worried. I've been watching him and I am too. With the summer coming up, I was trying to think of ways we could get him out of the house, but I know from every time you tried to escape, it's nearly impossible. But I've come up with a plan! I got some of your cousin Narcissa's hair and he'll be invited to the ball the Malfoys are throwing on the second week of summer; practically everyone is that agrees with the Pureblood Agenda." James was stuttering, stumbling over his words, but Sirius didn't struggle to keep up. They'd always been on the same wavelength. "I'm going to smuggle Polyjuice Potion into his trunk with the Invisibility Cloak before he leaves with a coded message on it. Then at the ball, if he wants, he can change into Narcissa and leave. It'll at least let him get away from your Mum and Dad, maybe cause confusion for a while so we can get him somewhere safe. I just was trying to—"

"You were trying to save Regulus," Sirius repeated slowly.

"He might not take the potion. That's why I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want you to get your hopes up. Regulus knows he's got you as an option, that he's stuck at a crossroads right now between your parents and what they want, and the freedom you can offer. But I don't know which way he'll decide to go and I didn't want you to do… You thought I was cheating on you?"

Sirius shrugged. He wanted to say something but when he opened his mouth, found he couldn't speak.

Was this another big story, was James trying to fool Sirius? Sometimes Sirius thought the world was trying to fool him into thinking one day things could be okay and he would be allowed to have the warm, soft things the people around him took for granted.

"I love you," James said softly. "I don't expect you to say it back, especially not after all, this but let me sit down and I can show you my notes, okay? We can talk about this and I promise I'll never cheat on you. Merlin's sake, if I did want to break up with you I'd talk to you first. Or if I wanted to sleep with a girl, well, I hope you'd be there too."

"We can't talk about threesomes when we're arguing, you'll distract me," Sirius said without thinking and then hated that he wanted to smile when James's lips twitched.

"I want to be able to love you," Sirius allowed and that made James's face soften into something that twisted Sirius heart painfully. "But okay. We'll talk and sort this out. I just… you were thinking of saving Reggie?" His voice cracked at the end.

"Of course. You love him and he's your brother. I'd do anything for you and so him by extension." James shrugged, like taking that on was nothing, like feeling responsible for so much wasn't momentous. Sirius let himself sit back down on the bed, shifting to let James sit next to him and with a flick of his fingers, the long blonde strand of hair fell to the floor and out of sight.

* * *

_A/N Written for the QLFC Chaser 3 Prompt: Write about an accusation of unfaithfulness in a relationship and the aftermath of this._

_(colour) Mustard_

_(emotion) Disappointment_

_(phrase) at a crossroads_

_Word Count: 1568_


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